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October 20, 2017


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Back From Africa
By: Brian

Back from Africa. Where's all the stuff I've been missing?

Hey folks! Guess what? I was watching tv (New Flash:there are no tvs readily available in Africa!). I was watching Mtv. You know Mtv-that music television station that plays all those cool videos that all the high school kids race home at 3 to watch and figure out whether or not glutton size jeans are still the cool way to go. Well, do you know what Mtv has in common with Rollingstone and Spin? Well, if you're answer is other than, "They have the capacity to give in to the all-mighty dollar and publicize shitty two bit bands like Green Day or (God, do I have to mention them as a band) Offspring? I know a 3 year old with a Fisher Price xylophone who can make a song off of "Oh Blah Dee Oh Blah Da". Well, these three musical (well...uh..well, don't let me go off again) entities have just informed me, a returning citizen, that bands like NSync and Britney Peters (isn't that a porn star's name?) are new "pop" sensations! I was sooo happy to here that. Now I can rank them up there with the Cure or Talkingheads...hell, I'll take the extra step and say Devo. Excuse me while I take off my Mork from Ork halloween mask and throw the hell up.

(I'm going to pray to God now) , "Dear God, I know I never talk to you unless I stub my toe or run out of toilet paper in the mens room, but I want you to listen to me on this one. Dearest Lord, please bear with me a bit longer and answer me this one question, 'What the fuck is going on?' I'll be good. I won't steal money from my friends, I'll let people merge in traffic, I'll feed my cat...anything! Music must be saved!" Well, ladies and gents, as you can tell, I'm upset. I just got back from wearing nothing but a Sundays tour shirt and a pair of velcro sandals in the middle of the Serengeti just to discover that bagels still exist, coffee still exists, but the music scene has not changed for the better at all. This next month I'm going to go on the greatest American safari since my recent trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras 1999. I will find an actual pop band. You know what? Screw that. I'm going to find a great band. Part of the problem is the word, "pop". I will find the unnatural, the geniuses, the magical melody music makers who make up the machine that starts the ringing in my ears, I will find ear and penis candy that will be shared by all. I will find the musical equivalent to the Taco Bell Baja Beef Gordita! Off to the local Mom and Pop's Discount Record and carpet store!

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